9. The nature of my existence

June 29, 2022 05:06

Mood: Contemplative

Listening to: Twin Tribes

Have been thinking about my identity recently and stuff. This will be a nonsensical ramble. I am not a philosopher.

So, what makes me myself? What is it exactly that separates me from other humans, other consciousness, and from the universe? I find it comforting that we are all alone inside of our own worlds, and yet can come to understanding with others and with external reality. But none of us see exactly the same way. All of us have different views, opinions, and things we like and don't like.

When I say I prefer the night, my favorite color is pink, my favorite planet is Neptune, I'm a pastel goth . . . what am I really even talking about? How much of what I do and enjoy is really me? How much of it is just me trying to separate myself from others, to form my own identity and give myself a reason to exist?

Humans have not done a whooole lot of evolving in the past like, I don't know, fifty thousand years. (I am also not a biologist.) I think our bodies now are mostly similar to the bodies of our species back then. Which means our brains were too. We've had the capacity for all of this thought for a while. But recently, with the use of technology, humans have created so many more things that never existed before. I think for us, there is a lot more knowledge to be learned now.

No one lived like I do today fifty years ago, let alone thousands. I'm typing on a keyboard to make letters appear on a screen so that other people may come around sometime, access my website, and understand my ideas. I use my computer to listen to music and do lots of other things. The comfort that I live within allows me to spend time on things beyond my base needs.

So, like, aesthetics. When I look at two different things, I can tell you which one I like the look of better. It's a lot more difficult for me to say exactly why, in every instance. Maybe I like certain aspects better, but what about my mind makes me like those? What in my past happened for me to form the way that I have? Forgotten memories have laid the foundation of my mind and are now built in to its infrastructure. And I've lost the blueprints.

I can't tell you exactly why I am the way I am or why I like what I like. When I listen to two songs of the same genre, why do I like one more than the other? Again, maybe I can point out certain aspects that take more skill, or are more experimental. But the emotions that music brings me are nebulous and changing. How much of it is me deciding to like certain things and not others? Should I just learn to enjoy all music, and by extension, all art?

I feel that I am in a constant search for something new that I can connect with. It's hard to say whether I am shielding myself from being connected to certain things in order to forcibly form my own unique identity, or I really am just this way and that's how it is. I'm not sure which one would be better.

The system, being the society, location, and culture that I live within today, is actively impeding my happiness. What really would make me happy? I think this is a question everyone is always trying to figure out for as long as they live. Maybe if I didn't have all of these privileges, the things that make me unhappy now wouldn't even enter my mind in the first place. It's like, they're created or artificial problems.

Maybe I would be happier if I lived somewhere where certain things were harder. I find it difficult to connect with people because of the way this country's places are built. I cannot easily travel to places, because I don't own a car. Walking around, I don't see a lot of people, and if I do, I'm not talking to them. What a strange problem. I don't know how to even make friends at this point. I can never help but feel bothersome when talking to someone new. How much in common should I have with someone to be close to them? I'm not sure.

I would like to connect with more people, but I'm not sure how to do so. So I continue to express myself in the hopes that someone will understand my experience. Expressing myself is the most I can do. It gives me a voice, it makes me feel real, it makes me who I am. I think. With each walk along the silhouettes of trees and buildings with dimly lit windows, my life and what I am doing existing may become more clear to me.

Thanks for reading my random nonsense, have a beautiful night. And please, share your thoughts with me too, if you feel like it.