8. Nocturnality is my natural and healthiest state

June 22, 2022 05:52

Mood: Pleasantly gloomy

Listening to: Imaginary Monsters on my CD player

Summer is here! The absolute horror! You know what would be cool? When winter ends here in the northern hemisphere, I should just go somewhere like New Zealand for autumn, and then leave after winter's end there, and then when I come back up here it'll be autumn again. That sounds like a really sick idea.

Last summer, I was legitimately concerned that fire would reach my building and burn it down, leaving me homeless. There were official warnings. That's how bad the heat was. I wished I could live in my freezer. I just hope it isn't as bad this year. But knowing humans' general disregard for the environment, outlook not so good. At least the longest day of the year is over.

Lately, the occupational and financial troubles have really been scaring me, in the bad way. I don't want to get into my whole situation, but it's very, very difficult for me. Am trying to chase my happiness, but my mind constantly pulls me away from the path and reminds me you need to get a job. And I know I do. Wish I didn't need to. But that's just the way our system is set up. How bleak. So, the past month has been a lot of that.

Last month I talked here about how much I was getting into Emily the Strange. This has not let up. She has definitely become my favorite fictional character. Hope to make a dedicated fanpage for her soon! Am planning on it!! Have not done work on this website for a while now, but this is something I definitely want to showcase my adoration for.

Have also been trying to learn about the goth subculture. I have listened to many goth rock/post-punk/coldwave/darkwave releases. Most of which I don't like much, but there are some I really enjoy. Namely: Twin Tribes' Shadows and Ceremony, Cabaret Grey's Cold Calculations, and The Cure's Pornography. I especially like Shadows by Twin Tribes. That one in particular gives me a dark and gloomy feeling like none of the others do.

Have learned a bit about the subculture, and I do want to participate, but I find myself unimpressed with most of the music I've heard. According to those within the community, to call yourself a goth, you must enjoy goth music. And I do to a small extent, but not really as a whole. So, right now I think I shouldn't use the label for myself. "Darkly inclined" will have to do.

Goth music in general just isn't interesting enough for me. When I think of music that is "dark", I tend to think of dark ambient albums that provide a rich and ghostly atmosphere, waiting for me to delve into and become enveloped by. They experiment with interesting sounds and are often slow and instrumental. With goth music, I mean, it's rock. For me, it will never really reach that same level of mood that other music can, because it's always limited to a certain structure or certain instruments. Nothing wrong with it, I just prefer my music to be weirder.

So, maybe I'm not "a goth", but I think my fashion style or sensilibities can be described as "goth" or "gothic". I don't know, it doesn't really matter. Just words. Whatever. Bite me.

Have been very much immersing myself in the darkness and the goth style recently. Want to find more content to enjoy that fits into this idea, and I slowly am, I suppose. Read some stuff by Lovecraft, read some stuff by Edgar Allan Poe, looked at work by Trevor Henderson, watched some scary short films. Writing my own poetry is helping. Walks at night are helping. Oh, and sleeping during the day is GREAT. Never want to go back.

Am wanting to express myself and this stuff so much that I have started doing some drawing. Have just started so right now it's just copying other drawings I like and doodling Emily the Strange. Am enjoying it so far. Not sure how long I will keep it up for, but I do have long term goals, and right now I'm just enjoying doing some little art without worrying about getting everything perfect. I think that's the best way to do it for me right now. Little by little, my growth as an entity continues.

Think that's all for right now. Thanks for reading if you did, hope you can relate to stuff I said. Have a beautifully miserable night~