28. So cute I could commit suicide

July 9, 2023 08:29

Mood: Unsure of how to move forward

Listening to: Nightbreed of Macabria.... again

I don't want want to rely on other people anymore!!! .....FUCK!

I need to like, make my own money. Really bad. Mind is opening more and more to the fact that that is, in fact, not an impossible task to accomplish. And there are more ways than one to do that. I know that's obvious, but I have spent basically my whole life with the seemingly unchangeable mindset that I wouldn't amount to anything, had no skills, no potential.

This might be a bit personal, but honestly, still trying to change from thinking that I am useless to everyone else in terms of work. I have always thought, why would anyone hire me, or want to work with me, when I am as worthless as I am? And I do still think I have no skills, but am seeing now that I at least have potential.

The first step for me was to realize that I have self-worth on my own, even if I'm not worth anything to anyone else. That's not true, but even if it was- even if EVERYONE in the world hated me, fuck them, I'll hate EVERYONE TOO THEN.

Now that that step has been taken, I have the desire to be completely independent. Which leads to fantasies of being a witch, deep in a forest somewhere, away from the rest of society, completely doing my own thing. Not participating in the culture of whatever country I happen to be living in, disregarding laws and traditions and anything that's considered normal. I actually fantasize about this a lot. Would love this so much.

Unfortunately, magic doesn't actually exist. I haven't stooped so low as to find "answers" in astrology or religion. So I've got to figure out something practical. At the same time, am realizing more and more that I would really prefer to be self-employed. Or, at least, receiving money by selling stuff that I make. I WANT TO MAKE THINGS! I want to be an artist! Doesn't everyone? I know. I don't care.

The problem is, I'm no good at art. Just as with everything else. Because I assumed I had no potential, and for so long had no interest in life, no real interests, no hobbies, I never did anything. So I have nothing to offer! And I also now have interest in so many different types of art. Music, visual art and comics/manga, poetry, written short stories... I have technically done them all in some form. Just probably not well. And to get good, it's best to focus on one that you really want to do, only that one, and practice. But I don't know which one!! And practicing is also very difficult...

So that is where I'm at right now. I consume art constantly, but I now feel a deep instinct to CREATE. I have no shortage of ideas. It's just about learning how to use the tools available to me to get what's into my head out into a form that others can see. I think I do poetry the most often because that's the easiest for me to create. All the other ones take way more work. But now, I have in my mind what is probably the most well-formed story idea I've ever had. Will not give details, but I will say that it involves a lot of infant death and cannibalism.

What I have been most into lately is, yeah, the album Nightbreed of Macabria, but also, the works of Junko Mizuno. I have read Pure Trance, and I loved that so much. It was so outside the norm and yet so comfortable, as if it wasn't even trying to be different, like this is just how Junko sees the world. I have been inspired to create art that accomplishes this same thing: showcases a style completely unique to me, which is wholly unconcerned with normality, and which conveys everything that I enjoy without shame. That is the art that I would be most proud of making, and would bring me the utmost catharsis.

And just earlier, I read her manga "Cinderalla", a parody of Cinderella, which I really don't know or care much at all about. I highly enjoyed this as well. (Got it for FOUR DOLLARS on Amazon! Wasn't it great condition, but hella fucking worth!!!) I would like to buy all of her works and have them on my shelf.

What I like specifically about her art is of course, the kawaii and colorful art contrasted with the dark, sexual, and violent themes, which is like, my whole thing. I love seeing the violence and blood, needles stuck into bodies, the cursing. And very much so the breasts. She draws women in sexy lingerie and with their breasts out very often, but it's nearly always treated as normal by everyone around them, and not pointed out. I love this very much. Much of what I read in Pure Trance in particular was shocking to me, in a good way. Everything that surprised me was like it was opening a trap door in my head, and I fell further and further down into the depths, discovering the hidden secrets inside my mind.

Pure Trance, chapter 1, page 5 <3

Have also been watching Smile Precure, which I am absolutely adoring! It's everything that I wanted and I have no substantial complaints so far. So adorable, so colorful, well-written, well-animated, funny, just amazing amazing amazing. I definitely feel that I have earned the title of "Pretty Cure fan" at this point. Although I do need to get merchandise to display in my room, and support the creators!

Nothing really else. Thanks for reading. Take a look at my poetry page if you want to see my art endeavours. I will be in the dark land of Macabria, coming closer to comprehending my death. Have a miserable night.