26. Lady in black... witch's eyes, pale face...

June 17, 2023 uhhh fuck I forgot. About 6 am

Mood: 2000s goth girl

Listening to: Nightbreed of Macabria by Theatres des Vampires

Fuck I really like this album. Not sure if I'll end up super loving it but like I feel right at home with it. Will listen to more Theatres des Vampires, definitely.

So on Monday I've got to go get some shit done. Namely, go get my hormones from the pharmacy and get my name and gender legally changed. Not looking forward to this shit cause it's gonna be STRESSFUL! FUCK!!!! But whatever. It's just some inevitable doom to wade through.

Been feeling pretty wicked lately actually. Idk it's been like a month since I've written in this so I don't remember exactly all that's happened. I dyed my hair black! Think that happened since last time. Was a nightmare of mine for a looooong long time, and I finally did it by not being such a scared bitch and just buying the fucking dye and putting it in my hair. It looks great. Can't see myself ever wanting to have it be brown again.

It has been around a year now since switching to nocturnality and I also cannot see myself EVERRRR wanting to go back to being diurnal again either.... Summer solstice is nearly here, and while that does mean it's about to be the shortest night of the year, it also means it's only going to become darker afterward. Always got to look on the dark side.

Been watching Sugar Sugar Rune and Little Witch Academia, as for anime. Because you know, I love witches. Sugar Sugar Rune has been very disappointing! I don't think it's a good anime. Little Witch Academia, however, is great. Sucy is my favorite. Her love for mushrooms has rubbed off on me and I started doing a bit of research on mushrooms. Turns out that fungus is fucking cool. Fungi are responsible for a lot decomposition, which kinda means that it feeds off of the DEAD.

Should probably learn more about biology in general, plants and animals and shit, in addition to fungi. Flowers, trees, bugs. Would like to be more educated on how it works and knowledgeable about the identification of different types of life.

Tonight I ordered my list of top one hundred favorite albums! Fuck yeah! Okay to be honest, yes, the ones at the bottom, I haven't listened to some of them in a loong aaassssss time. And I may not love them. But!!! I have listened to them multiple times and know I enjoy them to some extent. So everything on the list has some justification for being there. I guess I'll put the image here. Right click on the image and open in a new tab and zoom in if you wanna see. Duh.

Have been listening to A FUCK TONNNNNNN of music this year. If it continues like this, 2023 will end up being my most important year of music so far in my life. 2019 used to be it- a lot of the ones I loved back then are now farrrr down the list, their spots replaced by newer things! Instead of post-rock and electronica, my taste has shifted more towards experimental ambient, musique concrète, and of course, goth. Metal, we're still getting there.

Am keeping track of this shit. I count 72 albums so far this year. ahahahahaahhaHAHAHhhaaHAAHAHAAHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Good stuff.

Other little random thoughts:

I wanna have spiders crawling all over me. Not like, wake up and they're there, but like I get into a chamber and do it for a little while before coming out, in a controlled environment. Would be cool and good to train myself to not see them as scary. Used to be one of those humans that went AAHH and killed every spider, but I don't do that anymore. They put up free decorations in my home!! If nothing else, for that they should be spared death!

Emily the Strange is sort of making a comeback of sorts. A little while back their website got a redesign, and now they're doing lots of promotion, making new items, and have been releasing YouTube videos like it is their business. (It is.) Am just hoping my boy Rob is planning, or planning to plan, on making some actual new content. I want new comics! I want a new novel! I want to know what's happening with the animation! Or something else! I need more Emily!!

Have been feeling quite jealous of others' nightmares recently. People will describe such horrifying and odd shit and then my recent dreams are just, like, regular ass people coming to murder me. Sometimes they succeed. That's no fun. I wanna be alive to feel the terror of monsters, apparitions, everything that can't exist in reality, but can inside of my own mind....

I have GOT to doodle more. ALWAYS GOT TO DOODLE MORE. Yes even if it looks like shit and absolutely nothing like how I want it to look. WHATEVER!!!!!! DRAW!!!!!!!!!! FUCKER

And, always, always waiting for that inexplicable moment in which an entity of darkness beyond my comprehension enters my vision, as it stares at me, with eyes or without, and I will be torn apart by my feelings of both sheer terror and passionate infatuation.

Thanks for reading, see you in the next death