13. The desire for grim acquaintances

July 30, 2022 06:00

Mood: Wistful

Listening to: Seventeen Seconds

Hey, welcome to my 13th diary entry! Spooky! This terrible morning I will be rambling about goth stuff, again. (Fitting.) Don't like, don't read!

I want to be involved in this subculture. Am listening to this music more often, and am excited to listen to more of it, and learn more. You know, this is something that has been a part of me for a long time, but I don't know, I just never get involved in this stuff before. But now I am, and I'm feeling such strong emotions. This music, making moving me physically and emotionally. And this intense desire. Wanting to be around people like me.

Have written poetry about this in the past. What I really want right now is to have at least one person in my life that I can meet, hang out with, and listen to music with. Someone I can DO all this goth stuff with. Someone that really gets it. That I can chill with, hang out with... figure it all out with. Someone I can go to the home of casually. I hope this makes sense.

I haven't had (exclusively) in-person friends for so long, or arguably ever. You know, the friends I had in school... I'm such a different person now than I was back then, to the point where I don't even view that person as the same one as myself. Were they ever true friends if they never knew the real me? Am becoming more and more of myself every night.

But, you know, am lonely. I guess. Being solitary is cool, but I have this feeling that I'm not really a PART of this subculture until I, like, participate in some way.

So how do you participate? Well, you go to clubs in your area. You go to concerts. How do you meet people? Same thing. That's the answer I get. This is an issue for me for multiple reasons.

One: To my knowledge, there are no places like that in my specific city. I don't live in a big city. Don't know of anything specifically where I live.

Two: I don't have transportation. I do live next to a bigger city, which is good! But I don't have a car, or even a bicycle. Have got my legs. Or, alternatively, the bus. Which I have to spend five dollars on. Don't have that money.

Three: The biggest goth club I know in my area is 21+. Now, yes, right now, I am 21 years old. But I don't have a fucking ID card whatever. And to get one of those, you need money and transportation also. And documents and shit. I simply can't do this on my own. So I don't think I can go in.

These are just such stupid problems that I wish I didn't have. These are the things keeping me from going to these events. And I don't know what to do about it. Pretty much everything I want to do is held back by these issues, and they just seem... it just all seems so stupid and hopeless. It makes me so angry and sad.

And even if I wasn't meeting people, I'd want to go to these events anyway. Want to very badly. Want to go dancing and experience a cool atmosphere and everything. Would be so amazing.

So whatever. I just hope these won't be issues in my future, so I can actually spend my life going out and doing things. Rather than sitting here on my computer. Yeah?

Guess that's it. Feeling disheartened as usual. Have a nice night.